Clarifying The “Myth” Of A Good Lover

People are always asking the question, “What is a good man/woman?” Wanna know the truth? The truth is: the definition of a good man or woman is strictly subjective, which means that it all depends on the person whom you ask. There is no set rule for what it takes to be a good man/woman. There’s only one thing that can answer that question, and that is whether or not the person you’re with makes you happy. Some may say this is a broad answer, but here’s where I begin to explain why I say that in more depth.

As mentioned earlier, there’s no universal description of a good man or woman. Then again, in a way there is. In American society, a certain set of attributes is promoted to both genders as being the attributes needed to be a good man or woman to your future mate. But here’s the question: If that so-called universal definition of a good lover is so true, how come there are a lot of people who opt for the opposite?

I converse with people who have these long lists of attributes a person must possess in order to be their ideal man or woman. These people are usually going off of conventional wisdom. They’re absolutely convinced that in order for a person to be great, they have to fit their list to a tee. Let’s not even talk about how superficial a lot of those attributes usually are, by the way. But the point is — these people don’t realize the barrier they’re creating by having such a list. Don’t get me wrong, we all have certain qualities we’d prefer in a person. BUT, a person should keep an open mind. The key to finding a great lover is not being able to check off a bunch of attributes on a list when you meet a person, but whether that person gives you that feeling you’re seeking.

I’ve got to tell you — your perfect mate is almost always going to be someone whom you’d never consider giving a chance. That’s because as humans, we usually don’t know what is best for us. Most of what we seek is going to be something to satisfy our physical selves, which leads to us searching for those superficial qualities I mentioned previously. Completely overlooking a spiritual (not religious) connection! In years past, I used to be very specific about the kind of woman I wanted. Ironically, I had more trouble finding a woman then than I did when I became more open about it. That’s because I setup barriers to prevent me from finding what I wanted. I wasn’t looking for happiness, I was looking to satisfy some dumb list of things I thought would make the perfect woman for me. When I met this woman, we had many differences (which are good to have) but overall, it worked out for the better.

Some of you have that same problem. You’re not looking for happiness, you’re looking to satisfy society’s definition of a good lover and probably for your own selfish reason. But that’s the wrong approach. Technically speaking, you don’t know what kind of person will make you happiest until you actually come across that person. After you encounter that person, you’ll automatically know. As I said previously, chances are, that person won’t be anything like you expected your ideal mate to be. Still don’t believe there’s no set rule for a good man or woman? Here’s an experiment. Take two or more men or women you know that are in happy, long-term relationships. Make sure these people are truly happy and not just fronting. Now here’s what I want you to do. Observe the woman in each relationship and notice how different they are as people, then do the same for the men. What you’re gonna notice is that each person is they may share a few core principles, but overall, they’re are completely different types of people. If there were a set rule as to what a good man or woman is, wouldn’t each man or woman in your experiment be exactly the same type of person?

In conclusion, let me add this last part in:

I know some of you have come across people that are in what you would consider to be unhealthy relationships, and yet, they’ve been in that relationship for years. They’ve had many chances to leave, but they refuse. What’s up with that? Believe it or not, some people are actually happy in their misery. It may appear that they’re unhappy, but that’s all part of the charade. These types of people stay in unhealthy relationships because they like the attention they receive as a result. They like the fact that people, out of love and the kindness of their heart, bend over backwards to try to help them. In other words, they love being treated like a victim.

To some people, receiving this attention is even worth being involved in an abusive relationship. But at the end of the day, these people are happy because they’re getting exactly what they’re looking for — that victim-like attention from friends, family members and other concerned people. That is why personally, I recommend not even entertaining a person who’s in an unhealthy relationship, because they thrive on your sympathetic pleas to leave. They love it! When its all said and done, people do what they really want to do. If a person is in an unhealthy relationship despite having numerous chances to leave, its because they really want to be there. I know that’s a hard one to swallow for those of you who know people in that predicament, but its the truth. And you’re not doing them any favors by trying to talk them out of it because you’re giving them just what they want.

Conclusion: Stop letting society, your family, friends, etc. tell you what a good lover is. Only you can define what a good lover is for yourself. No one can tell you what makes you happy. Some of you may have a hard time believing that, but its the truth. You can’t look at someone else’s relationship and think if you had the same kind of lover, you’d be happy. It doesn’t work that way. We are all different people and different things satisfy us below the surface. When searching for a great mate, you’re looking for a feeling, not really a physical fulfillment. What makes one person happy may not make YOU happy.

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