Yesterday, my younger sister and I had a discussion about people (particularly women) who live by the fallacious belief that they can change a man (thankfully, she thinks the idea of trying to change someone is stupid as well). These types of people usually do some pretty bad damage to their lives while attempting to change people from what they are into what they wish them to be. There’s some real psychology behind this phenomena, but by the end of this article, I would hope that pure logic would rule over irrationality caused by misguided emotions.
It is my observation that some people like the the challenge of taking someone who’s no good and attempting to transform them into the perfect mate. Sort of like alchemy, where the Alchemist attempts to transform lead into gold. But in this case, such a pursuit can have unspeakably bad consequences. I’ve witnessed people put up with physical abuse, infidelity, financial ruin, etc., all because they chose to try to change a person who they knew was bad news. The psychology behind that tends to be that a person values a thing more if they obtained it in bad condition and put in the necessary work to bring it up to par. Its like a person who finds a stray pet that is on the verge of starvation. They take the animal in, feed it, care for it and nurse it back to good health. That actually happens. But in the case of trying to do the same for a person, except in this case, you’re trying to change who they are as a person…it just doesn’t work that way.
You have to ask yourself — why would this person change for you when, in reality, it was their bad ways that attracted you in the first place? You didn’t meet them and start dating them when they were your idea of a good person. If their bad ways are what drew you to them, they’re under the impression that that’s what you like! And they’d be right to think that. Technically, they’re 100% correct because no matter how bad their ways, you’re gonna stick around for as long as it takes to “change” them, no matter how bad they treat you in the process. Then when the change finally comes (although I seriously doubt it will), you might not even be attracted to that person anymore because the truth is, you were attracted to the bad side of them.
Its even worse when people bring kids into the world under this condition, that of trying to change a person. I’ve seen it happen too many times. The scenario is usually a woman who’s with a loser guy whom you believes she can mold into the perfect man, after her verbal persuasion fails to convince him, she has a child by the guy hoping that would be the thing that finally does the trick. But in most cases, even bringing a child into the world doesn’t change the person. Chances are, you’ve now got a broken home and the child is forced to suffer.
There’s nothing complex about any of this. If you know that you wouldn’t be okay with your mate having friends of the opposite, why date someone who has platonic friends and expect them to discard those friends? Why not find someone who feels the same as you? If you don’t prefer someone who parties hard, why date someone who hits the club several times a week and try to convince them to be a homebody? If you prefer someone who makes an honest living, why date a drug dealer and expect him to give up his criminal ways and get a full time job? I know, I know…many of you have watched those love flicks where the woman takes a bad guy, labels him “misunderstood,” she encourages him to change his ways and they live happily ever after. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happens in the real world and if it does, its rare. Ladies, you can’t turn a “nigga” into a man. And men, you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife.
The best thing for anyone to do is to find a mate who’s already the person they’d prefer to be with. Its that simple. If you have certain attributes you prefer a person to have, why not find someone who already has those attributes already? Quit wasting your time with no-good mates and attempting to turn them into what you want them to be. First, there’s no guarantee they’re going to change. Secondly, why even put yourself through that sort of unnecessary heartache? This sort of thing usually occurs not only because people place greater value on something they feel they’ve created from nothing, but also because some people are too impatient. They don’t wanna sit tight and wait until they find their match. They’re desperate to be in a relationship, even if that means taking someone who’s no-good and attempting to transform them into their idea of a good mate while bearing the pain that person puts them through.
Society emphasizes, especially to women, that you absolutely HAVE to have somebody — and that if you don’t, you’re wasting your life. Basically, convincing us to settle just to satisfy someone else. But that’s that bullshit. You do what is best for YOU. Society isn’t living your life, YOU ARE.