In times past, lots of young black females have asked me for dating advice. They were good people who were having trouble in their love lives. Little did they know, they were causing that trouble without knowing it. I’m gonna to bring some women’s attention to some of the destructive behavior in which they engage, because some of you may be doing these things without knowing that you are, which is contributing to your bad results in the dating arena. It may not be your fault, because chances are, you’ve been conditioned to be that way (more on that later). To start it off, here’s a story of what I experienced some years ago:
I met a young black female a few years ago, I’d say in late 2007. For a career, she was into music. So I offered to help her if she needed it since at that time, I was making my living as a Graphic Artist. There were no ulterior motives. We began chatting casually, which I thought was going well at first, but I began to distance myself because she made it hard to talk to her. I could tell that she lacked confidence, so I’d say things to uplift her. She’d get upset when I would do that, so again, I distanced myself. The last straw came when I called her one afternoon and she seemed distraught. I asked what was wrong, she told me that her computer was messing up and she was worried about losing some important files. I simply recommended that she put them on a flash drive for the time being. After I said that, she cursed me out, claiming I was trying to insult her intelligence by recommending something so simple. I just hung the phone up, didn’t bother arguing with her. I said I wouldn’t call her again.
But….like a dumb ass, I called her again hoping she was in a clear state of mind so that we can reconcile. This is when she revealed that she’d developed feelings for me over that time period but didn’t know how to express it because of her past experiences….blah, blah, blah. In other words, her being mean to me was to show me she liked me. According to her, because I wouldn’t be her emotional punching bag to take her past frustrations out on meant to her that I wasn’t genuinely interested in her. I challenged that statement and told her that being mean to someone because of your past dealings isn’t how you draw in a good mate. Again, she went off and we haven’t spoken since.
I said all of this to say — why do young black females spend their youthful, most productive years ass-kissing guys that mistreat them, and then mistreating the guys who don’t mistreat you? What we’re dealing with here is not Rocket Science, its simple logic. You don’t ass-kiss someone who mistreats you, and you don’t mistreat someone who’s kind to you. But I understand that human nature tends to be really irrational, so it isn’t as simple as it sounds. It usually takes years of experience for a woman to realize that the good guys are not the enemy and that the bad guys don’t mean them any good (a lot of no-good guys are really good manipulators. They can actually convince a woman that they mistreat them out of love). If you’re a black female under the age of 23 and you’re fascinated with guys that you know are dogs, I highly recommend you get over that because it will lead you nowhere good. Its only going to start a long chain of drama in your life.
I know how TV and the media presents the bad boys to women in a way that causes them to lust after those types. But if you want to see how that turns out in real life, just take a look at some older women you know who have dealt with bad boys their whole lives and see how that’s worked for them. Whether you believe it or not, all men are not dogs. A lot of women just so happen to pick those types of men because they’re fascinated by that type. They like to have dogs and hope that the dog doesn’t bark or shit in the house, which is really “not smart.” In other words, they hope to transform the bad boy into Mr. Right. Which is really unrealistic. You can’t change a person. Besides, even if that person does eventually change, why even put yourself through all the pain you’d have to bear until that day comes? Its not worth it. After these women have enough failed attempt at trying to convert “dogs,” to the straight path, they then fill their daughter’s and any other young female’s heads with garbage…telling them all men are no good. But they conveniently omit the part about them purposely choosing those type of guys.
So now a young black woman grows up bitter at all men despite never having a bad relationship with a man in her life, all because she’s been conditioned while young. The young black woman has also been conditioned to believe that she has an obligation to stick beside the no-good black man, despite jail or any other mess he gets himself into. Black society has conditioned young black women to believe that black men who live a life of crime and mistreat his women is actually a “real black man” and that the black man who’s the opposite is the sell-out. That’s the reason why a lot of young black females will stand by a man who’s doing 5 years in prison, but won’t stand by a man who’s doing 4 years in college. All because of that conditioning, and in most cases, it isn’t their fault because they don’t know they’ve been conditioned early on. But I’m here to tell you that’s bullshit.
Good guys are out there, you just have to earnestly want one. Not only do you have to earnestly want one, you have to bring something to the table besides a fork and a plate. There are lots of women who had a bad boy addiction when they were younger who now earnestly want a good guy, but now they have nothing to offer. They have many kids by different fathers, they’re bitter as a result of their past decision making, their looks have faded, and the list goes on. A lot of women don’t quite understand that in order to ask for something, you have to offer something in return. There’s no such thing as something for nothing. You can’t ask for a good mate if you aren’t any good yourself. A lot of women with nothing to offer would like to believe that if a good man isn’t willing to lower standards to be with them, but instead is looking for his equal, that he isn’t a “real man.” They have to tell themselves this in order to avoid facing the reality of their bad past decisions. No one should have to settle and lower their standards just because someone who’s screwed their life up tries to guilt trip you.
Speaking of guilt tripping, I remember when this female asked me why do I think she had such a hard time finding a good mate. She told me that only the no-good guys approached her, never the good guys. She went on to say that most of the good men she meet are usually with low class women. She was 22 years old, very beautiful, intelligent, no kids, wasn’t into “bad boys” and really knew what she wanted. I simply told her its because the women with nothing to offer, have guilt-tripped and brainwashed the good black men into thinking they have an obligation to be with them after they’ve screwed their life up. They’ve convinced the good black man that its his responsibility to clean up after the loser black men who she dated previously. And a lot of good black men fall for it because they were most likely raised by single mothers who’d made that same mistake.
So, while you’re young and have everything going for you, just get a good man now or simply stay single and you won’t turn out like the others. Don’t even have sex with the “bad boys.” Avoid them at all costs. But if you’re focused on your career and/or education and don’t want a relationship, that’s cool too. But at the same time, don’t get into the habit of dealing with losers because when it comes time for you to find someone to settle down with, you still want to have something to offer in return for what you’re asking. By the way, just because a guy is a good guy, that doesn’t mean that the two of you are automatically compatible. It happens all the time. So if you meet a good person and things don’t work out, that doesn’t mean that either of you are bad people.
That’s my word of advice to you all. Take heed and you will avoid the trap!